Ruminations on Yedid Nefesh

By Rabbi Ellen S. Wolintz-Fields, WLCJ Executive Director

My Rabbi often encourages us to just use the words of the Siddur, prayer book, as a guide. He suggests that if we feel drawn to one particular prayer, or certain words, we should dwell on those words, and not necessarily follow along. As a pulpit Rabbi, where I had to announce pages, I never had the luxury to not follow along; after all, if I did not pay attention, how would I announce the pages accurately? But now, as a Jew in the Pew, I get to dwell, and be on whatever page I want.

On a recent Friday night, I had just sung Yedid Nefesh, and then thought about the meaning of the words. (Siddur Lev Shalem, page 10; Siddur Sim Shalom for Shabbat and Festivals, page 14; Siddur Sim Shalom, page 252.) According to Wikipedia, “This poem is commonly attributed to the sixteenth century Sephardic kabbalist, Rabbi Elazar ben Moshe Azikri (1533-1600), who first published it in Sefer Charedim (published in Venice 1601), but Azikri did not claim authorship of it and there have been other suggested authors (e.g. Judah Halevi, or Israel Najara). Azikri’s philosophy centered around the intense love one must feel for God, a theme that is evident in this piyyut. The first letters of each of the four verses make up the four letter name of God, known in English as the tetragrammaton (yud heh vav heh).”

There are a number of different melodies for Yedid Nefesh. Some might say that some of the melodies sound like a dirge, but there are some more upbeat versions of Yedid Nefesh as well. Additionally, there are different variants on the words of Yedid Nefesh. I have often been in situations where the congregation is actually singing different words than are written in the prayer books. And it gets really interesting when people have different prayer books with different versions, all singing together. 

This particular Erev Shabbat was the conclusion of a trying week. Friday could not have come sooner, and Shabbat was very much welcomed. I had sung Yedid Nefesh hundreds of times before, but now the words spoke to me – “Nafshei Cholat” “my soul is sick” (the rest of the verse says Ahavatach – with love.) But this particular Friday, my soul was sick, because I watched a loved one of mine in pain and sorrow. And then the next words are the words I had been wearing on a necklace – ana el na refah nah lah – “Please, God do heal her.” Every week I would sing Yedid Nefesh, and read these words that Moses first said on behalf of his sister Miriam when she had leprosy. Singing Yedid Nefesh, in the dirge-y way, the words hit me hard. Yes, I needed healing, for myself, for so many people I know; for the person I was sitting with. Was healing to come from God? Or from within ourselves? Does our praying give us the strength to overcome the challenges we face? Will God provide us the strength we need? Or perhaps, do we say these words to reinforce to ourselves that within us, we already have the strength to help us get through what ails us?

I finally did not mind that the melody of Yedid Nefesh is so slow, because it gave me time to truly ruminate on this theological quandary. Would God heal? Or do people heal? Does an outside person heal, or does that healing have to be done internally? 

The next words of Yedid Nefesh are “b’harhot lah noam zivach” – “by bathing her in Your serene and pleasant light.” The concept of light was overwhelming to me, as I slowly sang Yedid Nefesh, truly reflecting on the words. The light is described as noam, serene, also translated as pleasant. From the week I had just completed, I did not see much light. It was a dark, dreary, scary week. Was the light referred to in this prayer the light from God? From Torah? Was the light the sun that was beginning to set? The artificial light where I prayed? And would that light return to the eyes of those who were ailing? Would the light be brought to the hostages held in Gaza?  I felt in pain, from all the thoughts going through me. 

Then I read the next words of Yedid Nefesh, which truly spoke to me – “Az titchazek v’titrapeh” – “Then she shall surely be strengthened and healed.” I needed to hear those words at that very moment; that no matter how low I felt because of what was occurring around me, the person will be strengthened and healed. I had sung these words so many times before, but the words never meant so much to me, as they did that particular Friday night. I needed to hear that others have also felt this low. These words of Yedid Nefesh gave me hope – that there would be a future filled with strength and healing. The prayer continues “V’chus na al ben ohavach” – “Have pity on the child whom You love.” The You refers to God, but it can also refer to ourselves. The child, the person we are praying for; please have pity on them; for God, and we love them. We pray that God will not hide God’s face.

And then I thought, and visualized the particular person I was praying for, and with, and knew that I did not have to look far. As we concluded Yedid Nefesh, I knew for sure that God was there; for God was right in that person sitting beside me.

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Ellen S. Wolintz-Fields
WLCJ Executive Director
ewolintz-fields@wlcj.org